Once upon a time, in a kingdom where the trees were as green as broccoli on a dinner plate, there lived a beautiful princess named Snow White. Her skin was as pale as a freshly washed T-shirt, and her hair was as black as the space under the bed where kids shove socks they never plan to see again. She was beautiful, no doubt about that. But was she the most beautiful in the whole wide world? Well, that’s exactly where her story begins.
One day, her stepmother, who was obsessed with fashion, makeup, beauty, and of course all kinds of plastic surgery, suddenly felt a craving—for compliments. So she stepped in front of her magic mirror and, with a smirk, asked,
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me now and tell it straight, who’s the fairest in this room… I mean, in this entire state?”
The mirror hesitated for a second because it had just been scrolling through the Facebook page of the biggest glass shop in the kingdom. But as a magic mirror, it was required to answer.
“Well, my Queen,” it began carefully, “you are beautiful, no argument there. But Snow White… let’s just say, if this were a shampoo commercial, she’d definitely get more likes than you.”
The stepmother was furious! Not only did Snow White have better skin, but she also had more likes? That was the last straw. She decided Snow White had to be… removed. But not just any old way. She called for the best hunter in the kingdom, who just so happened to be a vegetarian with a blog about woodland animals, and ordered:
“Take Snow White deep into the forest and… well, just leave her there.”
The hunter, totally confused by these instructions, led Snow White into the forest. But when he looked at her, he realized he couldn’t just abandon her like that. Besides, Snow White promised she’d help him grow his Instagram if he let her live. So the hunter left Snow White in the forest—but texted her the GPS location of the nearest coffee shop with free Wi-Fi.
Snow White wandered through the woods until she came upon a tiny house that looked like someone had built it out of toy bricks and run out of pieces halfway through. She stepped inside and found seven little beds in a row, each with a pair of socks tossed on top—every single one with a hole in the toe.
“Oh my,” she sighed, “whoever lives here must be very, very busy.”
And she was right! A moment later, the door opened and in stomped seven dwarfs. They were completely exhausted after a long day of mining diamonds, even though they had no idea what they were actually going to do with all those diamonds. When they saw Snow White, they were, of course, surprised. But instead of gasping at her beauty or fainting dramatically, they got straight to the point:
“Can you cook? How about laundry? And what about social media? We really need to level up our profiles!”
Snow White, who had never been anywhere near a real kitchen in her life, promised she’d take care of the house in exchange for a place to stay. The next morning, breakfast was ready—oatmeal with absolutely no flavor, but loaded with chia seeds the hunter had given her “for energy and engagement.”
Meanwhile, the stepmother returned to her mirror with even more confidence than before, certain she would finally hear what she wanted.
“Mirror, mirror, don’t be late—now I’m the fairest in the state, right?”
The mirror cleared its throat.
“Well, my Queen, you’re still very beautiful. But Snow White… she just posted a brand-new vlog about ‘What to Wear in the Woods,’ and she gained another hundred thousand followers. So… it’s still her.”
The stepmother was desperate. She decided she’d have to handle this personally. Disguised as an old woman selling apples, she went to visit Snow White and offered her a shiny, perfect red apple.
“Is this apple organic?” Snow White asked.
“But of course, my dear, completely organic,” the stepmother answered sweetly.
“And is it from a local eco-friendly farm? I don’t eat imported fruit,” Snow White pressed on.
“It’s from our very own orchard, sweetheart,” the stepmother replied, now just a little bit nervous.
“Who does your marketing? We could totally do a collab—I have thousands of followers,” Snow White went on proudly.
“Oh, absolutely, my dear. Now why don’t you just take a bite?” the stepmother insisted through gritted teeth.
Snow White, who was used to eating organic, local everything, was satisfied with the answers. So she took a bite of the apple. Instantly, her face broke out in pimples and warts. The apple was not organic, not eco-friendly, and definitely not from a local orchard. When Snow White caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, she fainted on the spot and… fell into a deep sleep.
The dwarfs came home to their toy-brick house and found Snow White fast asleep on the floor. They decided they needed professional help—but they didn’t want to call a doctor.
“We need to find an influencer with a good heart and perfect posts on Instagram,” said one of them.
And so the story spread across every social network in the kingdom, until one day a prince showed up at their door. He wasn’t just handsome; he also ran a wildly successful YouTube channel full of adventures, including a tutorial called “How to Fight a Seven-Headed Dragon in Ten Easy Steps.” When he saw Snow White, he knew exactly what to do. He walked up to her—not to kiss her; there were way too many warts on her face for that—but to gently pour a smoothie between her lips, blended from organic, eco-friendly berries picked in the forest.
Snow White woke up! At that very moment, she gained another fifty thousand followers and landed a brand-new sponsorship deal with a trendy fashion brand.
And the stepmother? She ordered the kingdom’s entire internet shut down so she wouldn’t have to get any more notifications about Snow White and her prince posting their happily-ever-after content.
You can still read the classic Snow White
